Ahem. Where do I start today? I have no idea. The month of August have been eventful..isn't it?For once in all my long years of gossip, I don’t know how to start. Forgive me, you hear? Just know this, dear fellow gossips; my love for you has never waned, and never will wane. I won’t quit to dey blow my sweet breeze wey sabi expose these celebrities f***-up. Talking about the eff-word, one of our yeye celebrities had a satisfying weekend on international TV. She got the eff! Yes. And then while I was still in shock over the incident, another one, one fine woman wey I been like, nearly kill my brother-in-gossip. Please pray for me o. Make these people no catch me. Because, I’m a human too. I don’t have 9 lives, and my mama still like me. Any celebrity wey dey plan bad for me, Holy Ghost….My MFM brothers complete am. Enough talk, let’s go there!
Round 1: Omawunmi Vs Photographer
I hate violence. I no sabi fight, neither do I want to learn how to fight. I no get power. And the small one wey I get, e dey for my mouth. My big talk-talk mouth. Those days when I was still small and looked like an ugly grasshopper, I always ran away from fights, or risked being beaten beyond recognition. These days, choi! I don make small pay, so when anybody wan fight me, I won’t sweat. I’ll simply hire one wicked Agbero from Mushin to fight for me. And trust me, my Agberos sabi fight well well. Simple. If you can’t beat them, pay to have them beaten.
Omawunmi sabi fight! Yes. My people, una sabi that fine geh wey her voice sweet like satan poison. Yes, that small one wey sing If You Ask Me. That sweet song. That girl, Omawunmi sabi fight. In fact, she fight pass Mohammed Ali and Bash Ali. If we check well, na she train Samuel Peter, that boxer wey no dey ever win fight.
Disclaimer: Imagine how many heads got broken for this picture
I like Omawunmi. Before now, I had always looked at her with love in my eyes. The type of love wey Oyibo dey call, unrestrained unconditional and unbridled love. See grammar. Grammatical love. I loved Omawunmi so much that I listen to her songs on Mondays, Tuesday s, Wednesdays, my birthdays, Jesus’s Birthdays. In fact her voice na my bread and butter, my Ofada and Ewedu. She was my angel, my angel of music, my angel of light, and the only silver lightning in my cloudy big head.
But then these days, the girl don change. All of a sudden, she don turn area scatter, dey beat people left, right and center. The most recent person to taste her fighting skills was one poor photographer, Adekola Bamigbala, wey dey try hustle to make small pay so that him girl look okay with Mary Kay. So to make the money, the photographer is supposed to take pictures of celebrities and send them to his oga, who will then pay him some change to keep his body and soul together. So the guy carry him camera, dey patrol Lagos like leper wey dey find T.B Joshua. Well, God answered his prayer, because at that moment, Omawunmi entered with her plenty body guards. The photographer began to thank the spirits of his ancestors for the opportunity, and began to take pictures. Click, click, click…but before he could make the fourth click, Omawunmi had snatched his camera, and began to hammer his head with it. Gbam! Gbam! Gbam! Chei God. Omawunmi, you be carpenter? The boy head na wood? And the poor guy kept calling on his ancestors to save him. No be him kill Jesus, so he doesn’t deserve this ‘hammering.
Anyhow sha, the boy head swell, Omawunmi and her bodyguards go, but me I vex scatter. Even though my father had told me never to beat a woman, he also told me that the when a woman begins to kick your arse or hammer your head, that I shouldn’t wait until I die. He said I should kick back. And that is what I would have done. I would have kicked her butt, with all my might. Because, one good kick deserves another. Beat is reciprocal. But then her bodyguards were there, so the boy could not channel his inner Jet-li and defend himself. Poor boy.
No worry ya. I, the bishop of sinnerschapel will fight for you. (Screaming while punching the air angrily), Omawunmi! I owe you one! I challenge you to a fight. One on one, me and you, without bodyguards. Make we see who go hammer who. Nonsense.
Moral Of The Story: Make money fast o,unless one celebrity go hammer your head like say you be spoilt chair.
BeverAngelo Osu: Greatest Lust Tale Ever Told!
Quote me anywhere, once they make the announcement for the next Big Brother Africa (BBA), I will be right in front of the line. I love the BBA. Apart from the chance to mix with fun people from Africa, you also get the chance to be hosted for 3 months, with free housing, free food and free booze. Also if you have your game straight, you either finger, get fingered, or have amazing sex. Amazing sex with an accented foreigner on International TV. Real once in a lifetime opportunity. So kudos to Big Brother, for being a big brother, and providing us with the opportunity to watch porn on tv.
The last time Nigeria sent in a rep for the BBA, it was Goldie Harvey (God bless her soul), who kept crying like small pikin wey don loss her chin-chin. But then, Nigerians no like cry-babies. They kept cursing and shouting until Goldie was chased away. On the day Goldie left, there was a huge National celebration, the type we had when Naija gained independence. Remain small, GEJ would have declared a National Holiday to celebrate Goldie’s eviction. My father even killed ram for the family, and said thanksgiving prayers, not knowing what we had in store.
Fast forward to this year, and we sent in trouble to the BBA. Beverly ‘Trouble’ Osu. The real Gobe wey Davido sing about. See Beverly, see Gobe. The moment that fine video vixen walked into that house, she began to blab.
“My mother did this…my father had his arsehole waxed by aliens, I slept with men, and took money, I also did some small small side runs. In fact, I kill Jesus”
I sat back, smiling, knowing that was just the beginning. Next, she began to eye one South African madman, Angelo wey carry dreadlocks like Majek Fashek. And as we all know, South African Rastafarians no dey carry last. First Beverley and Angelo began with look me I look you, then touch me I touch you, kiss me I kiss you, and then finger me I finger you.
When Beverly got fingered, that day, the world stopped moving. Nigerians screamed, cursed, abused, cried, held night vigil, just to make sure say she leave that house. But Beverly no gree. The girl and Angelo finally did IT! Yes, they had hot steamy sex. Hurray! Congratulations. Nigeria go catch fire.
Boom! Sex!
As expected, people don dey swallow Panadol for Beverly case. Some don even get Hypertension for the matter. Some curse her Mama, her Papa, her pastor, her fans, even as I write this article, some people go begin dey curse me join. Shoo? Free her jare. It’s her life. I personally have an issue about having sex on International TV, but then, when push comes to shove, it’s her business. Free the girl! You guys will scream and curse all you want, but the moment that girl returns to this yeye country, she will be celebrated like a queen, and from there, she will start making crazy money, while the rest of you will go back to your busy lives. Free her!
And as for those of una wey dey carry Beverly case for head like those Gala sellers for Lagos traffic-jam, I just have one question to ask una: “How market?”
I rest my case as always.
Yours' Collabotic
The BISHOP
No comments:
Post a Comment