I am not a therapist, but I do spend my days working
with couples in conflict. I have learned that more often than not, the
ultimate reason for the breakdown of a relationship is a symptom of that
breakdown, rather than a cause. So an affair that brings about a split
may not be the initial cause of that split: the relationship may, to all
intents and purposes, have broken down beforehand.
In human and emotional terms, splits can be divided up into three categories:
amicable, acrimonious and agonising. The first, in which you both agree
that your relationship has run its course, is probably the easiest. The
second, in which one partner has treated the other so badly that
reconciliation is simply not worthy of consideration, can be the
nastiest but is still relatively clean-cut.
The third is the saddest of all; one partner wants to
break up and the other doesn't. The reluctant one does all he or she
can to stop the break-up taking place. It is done out of sheer
bloody-mindedness, or because the partner still harbours the vain hope
of a future reconciliation, even to the point of ignoring the emptied
drawers and Royal Mail redirects.
I do advocate holding a relationship together
whenever possible, assuming the co-operation and willingness of both
parties. However a relationship can only be rescued and revived when both parties believe that it is worth fighting for.
Even then, it can only be saved when both parties are committed to that
fight.
There is a world of difference between a genuine desire to work
to save it when it is the shared aim of both parties, and when it is a
hope and a prayer existing in one mind only. If only one of you wants to
save the relationship, it isn’t going to happen.
So how do you know if your relationship is over? Drawing upon my experience as a practising family lawyer for more than 30 years, here are the most common signs:
- You want out of your relationship because the thought of spending the rest of your life with your current partner makes you shudder. You may or may not have someone else in the wings.
- Your partner has betrayed you and you cannot forgive them. The trust between you both has broken down to such an extent that, even with counselling, you cannot fathom how that trust can ever be rebuilt. Counselling can encourage some people to review their decisions; for others, it merely confirms their determination to move on.
- Your partner’s behaviour has left you with little choice.
- Your partner has requested a “trial separation”. In my experience, it is sometimes the case that one person decides the relationship has come to an end, but cannot bring themselves to tell their partner the awful truth. Instead, this person hides behind the charade of a separation.
“Let's see how it works out for the next few months”, they say, giving false hopes and dreams to their partner. Months later, when these dreams are shattered, it is at a substantial emotional cost to the partner who worried, waited and hoped
- You have sat back and taken a long look at the pros and cons of each of your options, perhaps with the help of a close friend or a counsellor. As a result, you picture yourself happier out of the relationship than in it.
- You discuss the situation with your partner and reach a mutual decision: it’s over.
- There is nothing left between you.
- Your partner wants out of the relationship. This is often the most difficult reason to accept. Do you truly love your partner? If you did, wouldn’t you let go?
If it comes to it and a break-up is inevitable, how do you deal with it? There is, I think, only one way, whether or not you are the one who chooses to go. Take it on the chin.
Life is made up of happy events and unhappy events. Your responses and your ability to cope determine your personality and your character. If I was a philosopher instead of a lawyer, I would propose that life is a series of tests. It is how you deal with each test that determines the kind of individual you are. Taking it on the chin, however, still requires you to grieve for your relationship.
Tell yourself to expect this, that it is normal. And if you feel you need to, turn to friends, family or professionals for support. Help yourself to accept what has happened.
...know for sure that...everyone plays the fool sometime!...pick up and move on.
Good luck....and we pray cupid finds you..winked
Yours' Truly
The BISHOP
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