1. Okay. Lie back. I am in the super-chill and seXXXy zone. Totally not thinking about that fucking mouth-breather Matt who stole my baby carrots from the office fridge today.
2. Fucking John.
3. I showered this morning, but maybe I should have washed "it" again before he came over. Or not, since that kind of feels like something an old-timey lekki prostitute would do.
4. Does anyone actually use dental dams besides my weird godmother? She was so drunk at that block party, who knows if she even knew what she was saying.
5. Gosh, he is really getting in there. He’s really wearing my vagina like a Kangol hat right now.
6. A little left. A little right. No, not that far right. There you go. Great. Just keep doing exactly what you’re doing.
7. Dude, when I said “keep doing that” I didn’t mean “interpret my enthusiasm to mean you should do it harder and faster and generally differently.”
8. He’s pretty good at this though.
9. I wonder how much practice he’s had.
10. Did he ever go down on [that girl with the pretentious Twitter you both know]?
11. FUCKING JOHN. THAT YOGURT WAS MY LUNCH.
12. Is he getting tired? I can’t tell how long he’s been doing it. Oral sex time is like dog years. K here we go—
13. ~~~*~*~**~@Y!&#*$&!$**$&!%
14. Oh, now I guess he wants to have sex. K.
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